(-- "Am I Ashamed of My Child or of Myself?"...
I also came to the conclusion that we raised Adam with love,
warmth and discipline and if that was wrong, then so be it. I
would do it just that way again, given the chance. He has always
been and still is a blessing in our life.
Still, I admit I felt a lot of shame. Why did I feel shame? As
a mother, especially a dyed in the wool southern mother, I have
always taken pride in how I take care of my family. I go to much
effort to see that their lives are in order at home. I was always
there when the bus arrived from school and even took them to school
every morning to keep them from having to get up so early.
I am a prideful mother and that was why shame was so overwhelming.
Maybe appearances were more important to me than I thought. I
wanted people to know that I was a good mother. I always felt
that the care and respect I gave to my children was a reflection
on my children and myself. I wanted my children growing up remembering
how hard I tried to do the best for them. I was sure that once
everyone found out Adam was gay, everything I had done would have
been for naught. I would just look like a failure.
I did not want to be ashamed of my child. It was painful to think
that I was having those feelings. I knew that I was ashamed of
how he would be looked at and talked about. That he would be considered,
at the very least, socially unacceptable. I was ashamed at how
my family would be perceived. That hurt my pride and made me angry.
Why should we have to go through this? Why should I feel such
shame? Why did I care so much about what others thought?
I was so obsessed at how other people would see me or think of
me, I forgot about Adam. I realized that I was not taking his
feelings into consideration.
That was a turning point. I knew then I had placed my pride over
the love of my child. I knew I had to stop thinking about how
this affected me and begin trying to understand what Adam had
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